Where does Limerence end and real Love begin?

[Daydreaming]

I've been thinking about all the overwhelming feelings caused by Limerence, and as much as I'm aware that this state of mind isn't normal, deep down I refuse to believe that there isn't a point of reality between what's caused by limerence and what I actually feel about LO.

I get this sense of the glimpse of reality outside the fog of limerence when I'm observing LO in its almost imperceptible detail. As much as I'm deeply longing for LO, I realize that there is a real love inside me for her when I find myself accepting that she deserves to be happy with someone different from me, because deep down I know I would never be able to make her truly happy.

Although I feel very jealous and uncomfortable seeing her interacting with other people, I can also deeply appreciate her joy, spontaneously and companionship.

Even when I feel extremely happy that she depends on my help for something, I can also appreciate her quality of often being able to do things on her own, independently and with enormous intelligence.

I think real love is in those moments, in the alternative vision that pushes away the fog of limerence for a moment and manages to see reality.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I'm inclined to agree with you. Maybe it's because I thought of my LO as my friend before my feelings got out of control. I still like to think of her as my friend. I think it plays a big part in why I'm still thinking about her all this time later. I've struggled with making friends and especially keeping them for years. When I meet a potential friend, I cling to them pretty hard and go out of my way to show them how much I appreciate them. I tend to go too far at times and don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm trying to take things slower with people but it's taken a lot of practice with self-awareness. I really liked her and loved the idea of having her as my friend. I've worried ever since we parted ways that I was too friendly towards her and maybe I might have scared her off. She was so nice and attentive to me and I was in a very bad emotional place when we met. Having someone be my friend and also be very attractive was such an emotional boost for me. So to lose both a friend and an LO at the same time was devastating for me.
I know most of my feelings for her come from a place of projection but I still care about her. As my intense romantic feelings are fading, I mostly look back on the early days of when we met. I miss her friendship more than anything. I found her on social media in a moment of weakness and was so very tempted to reach out. I never have. The more I think about it, the more I think I'd probably come across as weird for doing so. I worry about how she's doing and how her life is going. I can only assume she and her fiance have gotten married by now. I don't know anything about him or even what he looks like. I'm actually thankful for that so I can't picture any scenarios of them together. I've wished in the past that I could take his place but to be honest I don't really know her very well. She's nowhere near as perfect in real life as she is in my mind. I've convinced myself before that I would be better for her than him but deep down I know that's not true. And I've had to remind myself that she wouldn't be nearly as good for me as my wife is. I really do hope she and him are happy. I sincerely hope that he treats her really well and that they have a long and happy marriage. Just knowing that she's well-taken care of and very happy makes me smile to think about. I would say that I love her. Not enough to marry her necessarily but I genuinely still care about her. Every crush I've ever had before was simply superficial and faded with time. My romantic feelings are fading for sure but I still care about her as a person just as much as I did at this time last year. Not knowing how she's doing at all has been one of the hardest parts of NC for me. But I know that the best course of action is for me to respect her private life, wish her well from afar and leave her in the past. She deserves to be happy, even if it's not with me. I'd rather her be with someone she loves and can give her everything she needs and more than with someone who is wrong for her. I worry about her well-being and pray for her safety and happiness at least once a day. I'm leaving her alone despite how badly I would like to talk to her at least one more time. The idea that I may have offended her at all makes me depressed. She's still on my mind daily. I'm trying to honor her memory by paying her kindness forward to new people I meet. Is any of what I'm describing love? I might be wrong but I believe so.

[L-F]

Trigger warning: bubble bursting post.


Yo! Who here knows our LO? Like seriously, knows knows them. All I can say is, if you lived with them for 20+ years, y'all think you'd still be infatuated? Albeit on steroids, but infatuated nonetheless?

As for love, brother, dudes, y'all talk as if it's a kind thing. I'll pose a question, who here can say they love their friends in the same way given, and here the kicker, it's GENUINE? If it's GENUINE then gender should play no part in it, thus romantic thoughts would be well and truly kicked to the curb.

How can love be GENUINE if y'all don't know know them?

Do I love LO? Hell no! I thought I did. Then I asked myself, how well do I know them? Limerence screws with people's perceptions. Find yourself limerent for someone else and then ask yourself if you truly see exLO as a genuine friend. It's not impossible, but my guess is, very unlikely. And if you did, then the love & care would be akin to a brothers love or aunts, etc. Unique to them of course, but definitely not romantic.

[L-F]

As for the pain and confusion limerence brings, y'all have my sympathy. This shizzem is real, and can last a lifetime unless you find meaning out of it. By the sounds of it, you're both finding some meaning to the madness. Now that's progress!

Here's to genuine love & care that carries platonic vibes the same way a same-sex relationship does to a heterosexual.

[yoguisan]

y'all think you'd still be infatuated

I can give my experience on this. My LO is my ex, for whom I had the worst LE of my life, one that genuinely took away my will to live for a few months. After 5 years together, I felt our relationship had grown kind of stale. I considered breaking up with her, which I didn't because I know I'd regret it. Now, almost eight years later and without any significant contact with her ever since, I felt my world crumble over the memories of us together. I know I'd not be infatuated over her were we still together; I am currently married and I don't feel as attracted to my wife anymore. But should we break up, I'm sure she'd be my very next LO. In my case, I believe it has to do with me being a very impulsive person (I have ADHD, not sure how much this impacts), but I know what I feel for her is real, because even when I wasn't in an LE I knew I loved her, it just didn't hurt as much.

Not sure how helpful this is, just my input on this matter

[L-F]

y'all think you'd still be infatuated

I can give my experience on this. My LO is my ex, for whom I had the worst LE of my life, one that genuinely took away my will to live for a few months. After 5 years together, I felt our relationship had grown kind of stale. I considered breaking up with her, which I didn't because I know I'd regret it. Now, almost eight years later and without any significant contact with her ever since, I felt my world crumble over the memories of us together. I know I'd not be infatuated over her were we still together; I am currently married and I don't feel as attracted to my wife anymore. But should we break up, I'm sure she'd be my very next LO. In my case, I believe it has to do with me being a very impulsive person (I have ADHD, not sure how much this impacts), but I know what I feel for her is real, because even when I wasn't in an LE I knew I loved her, it just didn't hurt as much.

Not sure how helpful this is, just my input on this matter

Interesting yoguisan, so you fall limerent over past memories?

[HelpWithGOLO]

You brought up some good points, L-F. I really don't know what else to say at the moment other than to thank you for giving me something to think about. I appreciate your input very much!

[yoguisan]

Interesting yoguisan, so you fall limerent over past memories?

Mostly, when I was younger I used to fall limerent over women I liked but would have no chance with, nowadays I do over women I had past relationships with, even if it was just a one night stand; I do get a little obsessive from time to time over other people, but it's nowhere as insane. I'm not very proud to admit I almost cheated on my wife twice with a woman I used to go out with but with whom I never had anything official (even though there were feelings involved, and still are, to be honest), but I don't feel so inclined to do so with, let's say, a coworker, even though the attraction is very strong it's much easier to resist

[yoguisan]

Update: just found out my ex is now married and my will to live is gone again. I think it's safe to say there's something else for her

[L-F]

Update: just found out my ex is now married and my will to live is gone again. I think it's safe to say there's something else for her

Hey Yogi
I've been listening to a podcast you might find interesting? I used a question mark at the end of the sentence because I can't say it's a 'must listen to', but rather, something that might provide snippets of useful information.

Ester Perel: the #1 secret to know if your chemistry will last and why you're addicted to your ex. It's on the podcast: On Purpose with Jay Shetty. I have to say, I find her accent difficult to listen to. I also don't like how modern-day gurus of any kind throw random words into the mix and then effortlessly explain themselves away. It's almost as if it's the secret recipe to hooking audiences. You only have to listen to a couple of 'motivational speakers' to know what I mean. No wait. People have been doing this for decades come to think of it. Now that I've given it more thought, it's probably about how susceptible the audience is, often people seeking 'the' answer. We all want answers of some sort, right? Meh, I may be suspicious of movers n shakers in general. I often listen with a hint of curiosity and a pinch of the "what's this snake oil they're selling" narrative playing in the background.

I'd go so far as to say I'm rarely moved by experts. I firmly believe that people are experts in their own experiences. Meaning, that if someone has experienced something firsthand, then that makes them more of an expert than a qualified expert in the field who hasn't experienced XYZ.

Anywayyyyy... hope my rambling has diverted your thoughts off of LO, even for a second. Find something that distracts you in a good way, like exercise or a good book, or try to focus on giving 200% of your attention to family or friends for at least 5 minutes. If not possible, start with 60 seconds and build from there. Use a timer on a smartwatch or phone set to vibrate mode and start it when asking a really interesting question that gets the other person thinking and see if you can remember what they shared with you. Turn it into a game. Make focusing on others fun! There's nothing to lose and if anything, it will turn you into a great listener and could help deepen real-life relationships.

Go well, yogi!