One year into no contact with LO

[HelpWithGOLO]

So...it's been a full year since I last had any contact with my LO. Not by my choice but that's not what I'm going to focus on here. I just want to encourage everyone who is going full no-contact with your LO to keep going. I know first-hand how very, very hard this is. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm fighting an enemy in my head that only I can ultimately beat. No one besides all of you on this forum even knows I'm going through this. Every single day I want to reach out to her, even just to see how she's doing. I have so many questions I want to ask her. I want to know she's doing fine. I miss her terribly. I just want to see her and talk to her. But I know it's for the best that I leave her alone. I wish I could tell you that I've figured out how to overcome this empty feeling and get back to normal. I've lost a year of my life to this. I hate that I'm still hanging on to this fantasy. It makes me angry and sad and depressed and frustrated. I don't know where you are in your journey but I encourage you not to give up, no matter how hard it gets. Much easier said than done, I know. I've come close so many times to breaking NC. I've had to talk myself down on multiple occasions. All I can suggest is to take deep breaths and try to focus your mind elsewhere. Start small. Do something you enjoy for a minute or two. Do things that distract you and get you out of your own head. Work up to getting through the next hour. Then do it again. If you can avoid being alone, do so. If there's someone you trust who you can share your feelings with, do so. Journal your feelings if it helps. Just try to take things a little bit at a time. Please keep in mind, it WILL take time to recover. It might take a lot longer than you expect. Hopefully not, but it's different for everyone. Believe me, I know how much this hurts. You'll probably backslide at times and that's ok. Go easy on yourself but get back up and try again. I'm writing this as a reminder to myself, too. I'm proud of myself for making it this far and you should be proud of yourself for how long you've lasted with no contact. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small it may seem. I hold to the hope that someday I'll be able to leave this all behind me. I believe anyone reading this is capable of doing the same. We CAN get through this and we WILL.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who has talked to me on here. You've all done more for me than you know and I can't express my gratitude enough.

[Daydreaming]

Consider yourself lucky to be able to maintain NC. My LO is a co-worker, and although I don't see her in person every day, I need to deal with messages being sent by her several times throughout the week, and sometimes I also have to be physically close to her, and even experience moments alone just between me and her.

This is overwhelming, but I can't quit my job to keep NC, and even though I stay in constant contact with her, whenever I go a few days without talking to her or seeing her, it's like I'm being eaten away from the inside.

[HelpWithGOLO]

@Daydreaming,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope I didn't make you feel worse about it. My intent was to hopefully encourage everyone who reads this post. I'm trying to pay forward the kindness that has been shown to me on here as I navigate this journey myself. I'm still struggling myself and maybe I shouldn't be trying to give advice to others just yet. I really hope I didn't cause any harm and if I did I sincerely apologize.

[L-F]

Don't apologize HWG, you've got two different work scenarios with both men in pain. You're both right in your own right to feel the way you do. What I see is a classic example of the grass being greener on the other side. Take Daydreaming's post as a sign that 'things could be worse', and find an attitude of gratitude because the fact is, every situation could be worse. The same goes for Dsydreamings situation, for example, DD and his LO could have an affair and LO ends up pregnant. One can always have more drama in their life even if they don't want it.

A limerent mindset is a painful mindset we give to ourselves. Give yourself the gift of an attitude of gratitude, you'll feel better for it!

[HelpWithGOLO]

Thank you, L-F! I'm always worried that I will say the wrong thing on here. I agree with you that every situation could always be worse. I can't say 100% for sure that I would have resisted my LO had she returned my feelings. It definitely would have ruined my life. As attractive as she is, I don't really know her very well. I have to remind myself daily that my fantasy of her and reality are two very different things. She could never live up to the pedestal I've put her on. Or, as you said, the grass looks greener on the other side. As much as it hurts, I tell myself daily that it's for the best that I never try to contact her. Thank you for the reminder.

[L-F]

I can't say 100% for sure that I would have resisted my LO had she returned my feelings.

I HIGHLY doubt any limerent could no matter how morally righteous they were. I dreamt of eloping should there be reciprocal feelings.

But honestly, I doubt any limerent could resist hence AFFAIRS!... mutual limerence so to speak.

But we ALL know it never lasts. Mutual limerence that is.

Thankfully it's one-sided aye gives us a chance to see the madness

[L-F]

Thankfully it's one-sided aye gives us a chance to see the madness

And isn't it better one person [aka us, the limerent] gets hurt instead of two? What a blessing!

[HelpWithGOLO]

Very good points, L-F. I feel so very guilty about having had these feelings in the first place. All my life when someone had been in an affair all I heard was about how wrong it was. But no one talked about EASILY it can happen. As I've personally experienced, all it takes is the right person and circumstances to fall for the temptation. And no one is immune. It scares me now to think back on what could have happened. This has definitely been a wake-up call. I wish I could have learned this lesson without the pain that I have but, like we talked about yesterday, it could have been so much worse. I've been a mess for over a year now and I was never with my LO. I know I'm not seeing her clearly but I do care about her as a person and I'm glad SHE didn't get hurt in this, at least as far as I know. I hate to think about my emotional and mental state had I been able to act on my feelings and the aftermath. I'm making it a point to remember all of this...the emotions, the thoughts, conversations with others going through this..to help ensure I don't go down this path again. It's helping to strengthen my resolve to maintain NC. I truly hope I never experience an LE again but if I do at least I'll have past experience to draw from. And I will definitely be so much less judgemental from here on. This truly is one of those things one can't truly understand unless they experience it.

[L-F]

And no one is immune.

No one is immune you are right, however, some have different wiring (the limerent prone) who fall harder (and become fixated) than the average non-limerent prone person. So in essence, two types of people go into affairs. Most affairs consist of bored people looking for excitement but not looking for commitment. Limerents on the other hand want to dive into the rabbit hole to run off & get married, even if they don't know the person or have never met them!

[L-F]

Limerents on the other hand want to dive into the rabbit hole to run off & get married, even if they don't know the person or have never met them!

And this alone should alert anyone reading that limerents fall for an idolized version of the person, not the actual person.

In short, as you've stated, you fell in love with an image of what you wanted to see. That's something you can project onto your next victim (the word victim sounds harsh but that's really what they are) unless you heal those parts of self yearning for a solution in the form of another person.