One year into no contact with LO

[L-F]

Btw HWG, never be ashamed of your feelings & emotions. Coming to grips with emotions is half the battle. Most parts of self are stuffed down deep because of wanting to hide those emotions out of fear or shame.

[HelpWithGOLO]

In short, as you've stated, you fell in love with an image of what you wanted to see. That's something you can project onto your next victim (the word victim sounds harsh but that's really what they are) unless you heal those parts of self yearning for a solution in the form of another person.

That's it exactly. I needed her to be what I thought I was seeing. I never thought of my LO as a "victim" before but I see now what you're saying. Yikes. I didn't even realize at the time how much I was projecting onto her. I can only hope I wasn't too obvious. I hope and pray she didn't realize how I really felt toward her. I really hope she didn't see my actions toward her in a negative way. Obviously I can't do anything about it if she did. Just thinking she might have actually thought I was a creep or something makes me sick to my stomach. I'll never know the truth. Maybe I don't want to. I wish I could fall out of love as easily as I fell in. Reminding myself of the truth daily, while helping, hasn't had as strong of an impact as I would've thought. But I'll keep doing it as long as it takes.
I am definitely the "run off and marry my LO" type if I could've had the opportunity. I'm really trying to not look in other people for what I'm missing but I've been doing it for so long now that I'm not sure how to stop. I don't want to ever feel this way again. I'm scared now of meeting new people, especially attractive women, because I'm afraid I'll end up getting attached and repeating this. I've always been socially awkward but this past year I've become so much worse. I've been trying to hide it but it's becoming more difficult. I've been afraid to tell anyone because I don't want them to look at me differently. Just like you said, I'm hiding out of fear and shame. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus on healing. I'm the only one who can do the legwork.

[L-F]

In short, as you've stated, you fell in love with an image of what you wanted to see. That's something you can project onto your next victim (the word victim sounds harsh but that's really what they are) unless you heal those parts of self yearning for a solution in the form of another person.

That's it exactly. I needed her to be what I thought I was seeing. I never thought of my LO as a "victim" before but I see now what you're saying. Yikes. I didn't even realize at the time how much I was projecting onto her. I can only hope I wasn't too obvious. I hope and pray she didn't realize how I really felt toward her. I really hope she didn't see my actions toward her in a negative way. Obviously I can't do anything about it if she did. Just thinking she might have actually thought I was a creep or something makes me sick to my stomach. I'll never know the truth. Maybe I don't want to. I wish I could fall out of love as easily as I fell in. Reminding myself of the truth daily, while helping, hasn't had as strong of an impact as I would've thought. But I'll keep doing it as long as it takes.
I am definitely the "run off and marry my LO" type if I could've had the opportunity. I'm really trying to not look in other people for what I'm missing but I've been doing it for so long now that I'm not sure how to stop. I don't want to ever feel this way again. I'm scared now of meeting new people, especially attractive women, because I'm afraid I'll end up getting attached and repeating this. I've always been socially awkward but this past year I've become so much worse. I've been trying to hide it but it's becoming more difficult. I've been afraid to tell anyone because I don't want them to look at me differently. Just like you said, I'm hiding out of fear and shame. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus on healing. I'm the only one who can do the legwork.

Have you been given a restraining order? No? Then don't make anything negative of your experience. She probably never noticed or gave you another thought. She most definitely didn't see you as a close friend, just some random nice guy SO DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THE PAST! It happened. Move on.

It's too easy to create some stressful situation that doesn't or didn't exist. Catch yourself doing this and ask yourself if you really believe it to be true. My bet is, there's absolutely no evidence to back up your story.

[L-F]

I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus on healing. I'm the only one who can do the legwork.

It sounds like you're on the right track, especially since you have your wonderful wife is on board.

[L-F]

Hey HWG,

I can't help but think we share something in common... 'self-doubt' and I know how easy it is to spiral into negative thinking. I'm trying my best to get you to look at the positive side, you had a work friend while you were at work, that's something to be grateful for. And if she is anything like me, she wouldn't entertain the thought of maintaining that friendship outside of work. I'm not interested in being friends with men because I would never put myself in the position of potentially falling in love/lust, etc, whether it could or would not happen, I'm not interested in taking the risk. My SO is all I need.

Could you identify the qualities you liked in LO and look for them in the same gender? That way to get to have wants/needs met without fear of falling in lust.

I've mentioned it before and will mention it again, would you consider joining the Mankind Project? They have them in the following countries Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Canada, China, Chile, Costa Rica, Finland, France, Germany, Japan, Iceland, India, Ireland, Israel, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Romania, Spain, South Africa, Singapore, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, United States.
It's something David has talked a lot about and it may be the perfect place to create deep & meaningful connections with other men.
I'm not sure if you have/had good healthy role models in your life. Not that you have to answer.

Just go easy on yourself. It took me 10 times longer than you to figure this all out, so you're doing well (not that it's a competition). Hang in there!

[HelpWithGOLO]

Have you been given a restraining order? No? Then don't make anything negative of your experience. She probably never noticed or gave you another thought. She most definitely didn't see you as a close friend, just some random nice guy SO DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THE PAST! It happened. Move on.

It's too easy to create some stressful situation that doesn't or didn't exist. Catch yourself doing this and ask yourself if you really believe it to be true. My bet is, there's absolutely no evidence to back up your story.

You're right. I spent so much time fantasizing and dreaming about the possibilities when I was around her. I NEEDED to believe she could be feeling the same for me. It hurt so very much when she didn't even say goodbye. To feel like I meant absolutely NOTHING to her after all the internal turmoil was (and still is to a lesser degree) really painful. I hate thinking that she hasn't even thought about me since but I'm sure it's true. I just hope she at least thought of me a friend. I know I did, at least until I lost my mind. As you said, I can't prove either way what she felt for me and that uncertainty really bothers me. But I need to let it go.

I can't help but think we share something in common... 'self-doubt' and I know how easy it is to spiral into negative thinking. I'm trying my best to get you to look at the positive side, you had a work friend while you were at work, that's something to be grateful for. And if she is anything like me, she wouldn't entertain the thought of maintaining that friendship outside of work. I'm not interested in being friends with men because I would never put myself in the position of potentially falling in love/lust, etc, whether it could or would not happen, I'm not interested in taking the risk. My SO is all I need.

*sigh* Another good point. I should have just been happy with her being a work friend. I am very grateful for all she did for me. It's very possible she felt like you do about making male friends. I know I let my lust and emotions get the better of me and I fell in love with the wrong person. Nobody besides my wife had acted that way toward me in YEARS and I was in such a dark place emotionally and mentally. That doesn't justify what I did. My wife should be enough for me. Somewhere along the way I've lost sight of that. I'm trying to do better. I'm reminding myself of all the reasons I fell for her in the first place. I may have mentioned before that my LO physically resembles my wife in so many ways. Perhaps that was a factor in why I developed feelings. I have suffered from self-doubt for most of my life. I was never as close to my dad as I wanted to be and even now I sometimes struggle just with talking with him. I've always felt like he judged me harshly when I would make mistakes. I have a hard time telling others when I mess up or need assistance. I see every other man as him and I project my issues onto them.

Could you identify the qualities you liked in LO and look for them in the same gender? That way to get to have wants/needs met without fear of falling in lust.

I need to work on that. I've kept so many potential guy friends at arm's length because I just can't relate to them. They all seem to have lengthy, successful careers, are into sports, and just to seem think differently from me. I've always been a very sensitive person. I always feel so awkward trying to maintain conversations with guys. Especially now as most of the other men I know are fathers and I never will be. I am trying to do better about opening up to other guys, though. It's so hard when all I can imagine is them secretly judging me for everything I do. It hurts when I see other guys hanging out and easily having conversations about anything. I want guy friends so badly but I can't seem to keep their interest. I don't seem to have nearly as much trouble befriending women. In both cases, though, I feel desperate to hang onto the friendship so I go overboard in my friendliness. I NEED them to like me. And then when they seem to move on or not return my feelings, it hurts so much. Similar to my experience with my LO. She just hurt a whole lot more because there were intense romantic feelings involved.

I've mentioned it before and will mention it again, would you consider joining the Mankind Project?

Thank you for the reminder. I'll look into it.

Just go easy on yourself. It took me 10 times longer than you to figure this all out, so you're doing well (not that it's a competition). Hang in there!

I really, really appreciate your kindness and patience, L-F. I've said it so many times but you really have made such a difference for me and I can't thank you enough. It's been so great to have someone who understands what I'm going through and doesn't just tell me to "cheer up". I promise I'll keep going no matter how many times I slip up.

[Arora92xx]

@HelpWithGOLO

Hey there, really appreciate you being open about your situation. I am new to this forum and looking for support I think I am in limerence with someone and have just gone no contact 3 weeks ago. I also have severe anxiety and have moved countries to start a new life so a lot going on for me right now. I really just want one day where I don't think about this guy, one day where he is not in the front of my mind. I understand that it is different for everyone, but how long would you say before you felt some type of significant relief from ruminating about the LO?

Im also starting EMDR therapy this week to get to the root cause of this stuff and wondered if anyone found this to be a good form of therapy for limerence?

Thanks everyone

[HelpWithGOLO]

@Arora92xx
Welcome to the forum! This has been an extremely helpful site for me and I hope it will help you, too. I'm not an expert by any means but I will try to answer your question. I was absolutely devastated and lost when my involuntary NC began. It took me a few weeks to even muster the courage to tell my story on here. Even with talking to others on here and getting sound advice, it took me a couple months at least to start feeling any relief. I shudder to think how much longer it would've taken had I tried to recover alone. I certainly hope you're able to start recovering sooner. I don't know if you read my other post "Thoughts?" but I started there and was writing on there several times a week for a while because I was going crazy. Let me tell you what I was told back then: it will get easier to handle. It's going to hurt but you will get through this. You will start to feel better eventually. I couldn't believe it back then. I thought for sure I'd lose my mind first. But here I am, almost 15 months into NC. I'm seeing an in-person counselor once a week now. I cried the first couple times. But it's helping so very much. I've never heard of EMDR therapy so unfortunately I can't help you there. Feel free to reach out to me and everyone else on here. We all understand what you're going through. We may not have all the answers but we can definitely sympathize.