Stopping the limerance before consummation

[Johnboy]

Does anyone have any advice on how to do this? My wife is about to consummate her relationship with her LO wgeb she sees him again in a few days, how can I get her to stop?

It may be possible in the very early stage of limerence where there has not been consummation of the relationship, that the addictive spiral can be broken. This will require self-will and discipline to break all contact with the LO and to enter some form of talk therapy program to explore what led the person to develop limerence. It is rare for us to see clients at this stage. All too often, this opportunity is missed and full blown emotional and or physical affair ensues.

[JupiterTaco]

She has to want to stop for herself. If she has no concrete reason why this is a bad decision then that's a problem. Some understanding of the consequences of our actions before she does them may work but they may push her away too. Please take care of yourself this is about to cross the line into an abusive relationship.

[Lola]

As someone whose husband had a limerent affair/midlife crisis affair that ended our marriage, I urge you to accept the situation for what it is (as ridiculous and counter-intuitive as that may feel), detach from what she's doing, and turn to radical self-care. You can't change their minds, as painful as it is. You just have to grieve the marriage you had (even if you have empathy that her thinking is askew). Even if she snaps out of it, this will have long-term effects on you and your feelings of safety and security in your relationship. But if she doesn't snap out of it, you will begin your healing. It's cruel and unfair, and JupiterTaco is right that it's abusive to rope you into this thing that you in no way caused, and cannot cure.

[L-F]

As someone whose husband had a limerent affair/midlife crisis affair that ended our marriage, I urge you to accept the situation for what it is (as ridiculous and counter-intuitive as that may feel), detach from what she's doing, and turn to radical self-care. You can't change their minds, as painful as it is. You just have to grieve the marriage you had (even if you have empathy that her thinking is askew). Even if she snaps out of it, this will have long-term effects on you and your feelings of safety and security in your relationship. But if she doesn't snap out of it, you will begin your healing. It's cruel and unfair, and JupiterTaco is right that it's abusive to rope you into this thing that you in no way caused, and cannot cure.

I'm truly sorry, Lola, that you are going through this. From my perspective, all affairs typically originate within the primary relationship before they extend beyond it. The goal is to address the issue before any external actions occur.
It's not about assigning blame, and I'm not trying to victimize anyone. However, both parties bear a level of responsibility to collaborate unless one is in a relationship with a controlling, abusive partner, in which case, as you accurately noted, one cannot fix another person's limerence and empathy alone may not suffice.

[Significant other]

It is possible that there are problems in the marriage. But a unilateral solution to infidelity is not admissible.
If a member is not feeling well in the relationship, they should get divorced or ask for marriage therapy.
As for what can be done to avoid it: Nothing.
It doesn't depend on you, nor on the marriage, but on her.
Disconnect, so you can think about yourself and your future without interference.
You can implement the "180" strategy, basically it is about becoming emotionally and physically independent from the unfaithful partner (even if it is emotional/limerence?). Consult a lawyer for a possible divorce. Know your rights. Information is power, get some, you are at a disadvantage.
There are several forums about it, for example this one:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/top ... ified-180/

[Significant other]

Johnboy, my wife went through this or something similar 4 years ago. There came a time, after 3 or 4 meets with LO, that this cognitive dissonance (having ,or not,an affair, etc...) gave her "a midlife crisis."
He went individually to several psychologists of his own free will.
I could see that in the first sessions she wrote a table of pros and cons of LO vs me.
-He is handsome, they agree much more in the way they see life, political ideas... he has money, he is cultured, he is a doctor, blah blah blah. (La la land pink world).
But he is 9/10 years older and did not want a serious commitment, he is a womanizer.-
The problem is in your wife, she must solve it.
Any attempt at dialogue with her is useless, not even she herself knows.
You are in the "fog", confused, overwhelmed. If you have problems with concentration, sleep, hunger, mood, etc... consult with your doctor (he may prescribe anxiolytics, anti-depressants) and/or try to organize your thoughts, if necessary with professional help, psychologist.

Lola wrotes "...Even if she snaps out of it, this will have long-term effects on you and your feelings of safety and security in your relationship..."
I totally agree, that's how I am now.

[Significant other]

It is rare for us to see clients at this stage. All too often, this opportunity is missed and full blown emotional and or physical affair ensues.

"Clients." Are you a therapist?
I don't understand that last paragraph very well.

[Lola]

I'm truly sorry, Lola, that you are going through this. From my perspective, all affairs typically originate within the primary relationship before they extend beyond it. The goal is to address the issue before any external actions occur.
It's not about assigning blame, and I'm not trying to victimize anyone. However, both parties bear a level of responsibility to collaborate unless one is in a relationship with a controlling, abusive partner, in which case, as you accurately noted, one cannot fix another person's limerence and empathy alone may not suffice.

My situation happened many years ago, but thank you for your kindness, L-F. My ex, like Significant Other's, was in midlife crisis (as well as having recently gotten a bipolar diagnosis). It wasn't just me he suddenly had to escape from, but his psychiatrist, his job, his (you name it). While I wasn't a perfect person, as no one is, I was a good wife, and totally willing to work through all of this with him at the time. Had I not found a solid support group and studied up on as much as I could digest about all of this (which is where my familiarity with limerence first came from), I would have been toast. It helped me to deal with my own abandonment issues (and what I perceived as possible limerence once I started dating again). It's a bit of a lonely road for a "left-behind spouse", so validating those feelings of powerlessness that I'll never forget is important to do when I see it in someone else.

[marko]

Sorry to read your story. Going through a bout again, but mine remains emotional and not physical. If things were different, I don't know that I could consumate. I do know I checked out mentally and my hopes that I someday be with my LO were absurd. Even with rational thoughts I just couldn't stop thinking how bad I wanted this person in my life. The escape of how bad I felt about myself (which can be even worse as you now see yourself as a self indulgent adulterer) make the escape to this person even more desperate. Not an excuse, as I seem a fairly normal person, but the utter lowly sadness that can tear through me only to be erased a bit by this person--and equally knowing they really can't help--yes it's that insane. Sorry, I don't have words to tell you there is a way to stop some things.

[L-F]

Lola, undoubtedly, there will be feelings of powerlessness along with a myriad of other emotions like abandonment, confusion, anger, and frustration. It's hard to imagine being in this situation, or to predict one’s exact feelings if faced with it. I think it's only when someone is in that particular situation that they can truly understand their emotions. My heart goes out to those struggling to help their partner break free from this limerent state of mind. It seems incredibly challenging, though not entirely impossible. As SO mentioned, it's the responsibility of the limerent to navigate through limerence, but having a supportive partner can make a significant difference. Based on what I've seen, many limerents keep their feelings to themselves and battle with it internally. It's a tough journey unless the affection is mutual, however it's accurate to suggest that a limerent mindset can obscure rational thinking, leading to blurred boundaries. Despite this, I believe that every limerent, regardless of their actions or inactions, experiences guilt, indicating an underlying awareness of moral principles.