Forced broken NC

[marko]

Hot day in the land of 10,000 lakes. My car she wants just had a windshield replaced and I thought of breaking NC. Part of me wants to reach out so that her silence would feel less akward like no big deal here's a car update. I haven't seen her in 2 months and NC for 1. I thought, no I'll just let it go as what's the point. I'm laying eyes closed on an innertube at a lake I go to often and less than 3 feet away I hear her voice. I'm like in a zombie world as I can see her BF but not her--as she moves in view I just thought wow, how things work and seriously God, what and why--lol. We exchanged a smiley how's it going--nothing more. Really cool on one level as it lowers the anxiety over running into each other in 1 month.
It hasn't bothered me much seeing or knowing they have a BF, as again, this is more about them thinking you are ok, than who they love. The new refreshed image of her face and hair that attract me along with the sad "not to be" creep in. This now respawns that I want to send the pic to "prove" that I'm ok coexisting even after seeing her with the BF. Damn overthinking everything as it's best left to this as another unread text just becomes more anxiety. There is also "will I loose my mind again" "will I just find another" It will be interesting how we find our way around each other. As usual, I have to concoct another fake me that appears fine. But any other me is absurd as we don't have a "together". I can't even trust that I really chose that lake, as if there is one in this world she'd pick, it would be that one--guilty. I'm even sure I timed the new window to be a great time to break the ice. No matter, it was nice to find out that I can be around her and just appear fine and as usual with this, the thoughts are far greater than the reality.

[JupiterTaco]

This may sound crazy but have you tried looking at the reasons that you're attracted to her? It sounds like it's mostly physical for you I'm just wondering if you can state any emotional or you know inner traits that help her mesh with you or is it all just physical? What traits does she have that may go against what you want in somebody?